Fresh from Syria, Kiev and the Middle East, John Kerry has announced his most ambitious peace effort yet.
“One of the most intractable conflicts in the history of the world is the battle of the sexes. It has been going on for thousands of years and affects every part of our lives. Bringing the warring parties together for peace talks is one of the most important initiatives for President Obama in his second term.”
“I have today sent invites to the Council of the Patriarchy and the Feminist Inner Circle to attend a conference in Camp David. Let’s sit down as mature adults and work through our differences and create the society we all want to live in”, announced John Kerry at a press conference.
Kerry clarified the scope of the peace initiative. “This is not about gender criminality or direct sexism. We have current laws which must be enforced to prevent abuse of these kinds.
“No, this is about the resolving the lack of trust, the lack of opportunity, the lack of fulfillment each sex might find itself at the hands of the other. We want everyone to be going about their business in offices, in pubs and in the bedroom feeling supported and fulfilled by members of the opposite gender.
“More mutual opportunity, more mutual understanding and more mutual sex”, said Kerry with a pump of his fist. This is a slogan that we can now expect to hear from all levels of government in support of the gender peace initiative.
After the press conference, I talked with Symone Wannabegood, an earnest State Official that has been tasked with organising the peace conference. She was looking harassed and worried.
“No doubt, it will be challenging to bring the parties together,” she acknowledged. “The Council of the Patriarchy consists of quiet old men that are not often seen but pull the levers in the background. They have a set of carefully designed secret rules for society that frustrates women in the search of power, influence and money. Only men see these rules and follow them without question.
“The Feminist Inner Circle is made up of fiery individuals with ambitious end goals but seemingly no common method of achieving them. Their preferred approach is writing articles criticising other women and advising men how to behave. They direct their acolytes to protest in the streets in various forms of dress and undress. What they lack in structure they make up for in volume.”
“How do I bring these parties together with a common agenda?”, she lamented.
She continued, “We are undecided on whether to invite spouses and partners to the Gender Peace Conference. One view is that the wife of a patriarch and the husband of a feminist (both assumed to have infinite patience, strong cross-gender empathy and a sex deficit) just might get on too well and we don’t want to deal with the scandal of an affair at the conference. That would be World War 3!” Symone concluded with perspiration showing on her forehead.
In a later address, President Obama said: “I call upon all parties to exercise restraint in the lead up to the Gender Peace Conference. Put down your respective weapons of mass destruction. For the next month, rules of the ceasefire will be no more inflammatory articles in the Atlantic or the Guardian by FTAG (Feminist Terrorist Action Group) and no more everyday sexism from AMIS (Average Man In the Street). And no more pointless, repetitive war of words on internet forums. Stop firing the bullets now”, he warned